Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
