so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
