Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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