I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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