new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
