Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
