you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
