Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
