can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
