I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
