just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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