im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
