Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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