Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
