Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
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