So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
