im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize