girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize