Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
