You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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