Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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