I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
