I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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