Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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