I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Houston, we have a blender
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
