Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
