I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
