dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
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He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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