so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
