When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize