My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
