so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
