i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
