I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
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iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
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You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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