so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
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Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
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Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"