i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?