Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.