Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
