i need an iv and a liver transplant
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
