I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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