Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I cut my penus on the lid.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
