Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
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I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
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I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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