it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh god it's open bar.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
