my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Screwed.edu
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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