Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
