I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
