my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
