nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
