I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
