it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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