Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
