I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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