Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
