Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
