so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
