I puked a lego.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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