My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
