I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
