I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
